woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
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