he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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