Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
