i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
