She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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