i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
