You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
