bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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