you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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