First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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