Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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