he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
