she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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