If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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