i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
