I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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