***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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