You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
