I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
