Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
