there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Drake has all the answers
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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