Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
