im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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