Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
