My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
