Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
