Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize