I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
