i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
