So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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