Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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