Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize