so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
