Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
