Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
