did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
