I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
