Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
