I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
