remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Randomize
