Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
