i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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