I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
