Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
