i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
