I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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