i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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