Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
