i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
