you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
