dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
