someone get that fucking seahorse.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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