my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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