And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
