I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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