can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
