It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You are the jesus of drinking
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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