i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
