Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
