I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
