Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
