I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
BRING THE BAGELS
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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