Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
