Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
