he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
